Families Are Like Fudge

"𝐅𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐝𝐠𝐞, 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭, 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐥𝐨𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐧𝐮𝐭𝐬."

--Anonymous

𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐟𝐮𝐥. When you put different people together from different backgrounds, with different expectations--well...sometimes it's hard to know how to handle it.

My younger brother, Dave Bayer, has a quote that I love, "Our family puts the fun in dysfunctional." AND that's true! Here's how I put the fun in dysfunctional for the holidays.

𝟏. 𝐃𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐨𝐫 𝐛𝐮𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐧-𝐩𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 🔆𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭. It's the other family member's deal. It's their past that they haven't worked through that is speaking. It can really be kind of painful at times, but 99% of the time this strategy works to keep my emotions on an even keel.

On this note, I don't push any buttons, 🔆🔆either. Well...my intent is not to push buttons, but sometimes people's buttons change and they don't tell me...until those button pushing words are out of my mouth. Then I have to apologize and I do that quickly.

𝟐. 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠. 💭We know each family member really well, or so we think we do. I used to think I knew what they were thinking, (see #1 above) but I am not the same person that I was last year. What makes me think that they are?

So I ask lots of open ended questions. I get really curious. I don't assume anymore (I used to) that I understand everything or everyone, so I ask for clarification, elaboration or whatever I need to grasp the conversation clearly.

𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚 𝐠𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬.

𝟑. 𝐖𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 👀𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞. What we say only accounts for 7% of what is believed by others. The way we say it accounts for 38%. What they see accounts for 56%. Ninety percent of the impression we often convey had nothing to do with what we actually say.

𝟒. 𝐅𝐨𝐜𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝. Maybe we think there isn't any, but we're family for Pete's sake. We need to close down our cell phones, doodling, fidgeting, whatever else is distracting and concentrate totally on what the other person is saying. Move out of our little world and into theirs. Listen for their feelings, as well. Listen to the words behind the words. THAT can only be done when you are focused🔎🔎 on the other person. We may be surprised at what we do have in common.

𝟓. 𝐒𝐮𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭. My mentor told me that the need to be right can be a splinter to our souls...and to our relationships. I am not going to change anyone's mind in one day. Value the relationship over the need to be right. (Yeah, this is a tough one:)

Politically, socially and spiritually, my family is as different as the day is long. But like my son always says after a heated political discussion, "𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐰𝐚𝐲, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭." 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐭𝐡.

Merry Christmas! 🎁🎁🎄🎄