How To Overcome Negative Emotions

"Emotions are neither good nor bad, it's our thinking that makes them so."

--My humble opinion

The second week of the quarantine was an emotional week for me. Everything angered me. To make a long story short, a conversation with my coach brought to light that I believed that feeling emotions are what weak people do. I have no idea where I got that perception—and it doesn’t really matter. That is the meaning that I attached to feeling negative emotions. When I first sobered up, all emotions were identified as anger. Because I never allowed myself to feel negative emotions, I was confused about the myriad of them and how they can be processed positively. 

Rather than cry, be sad, feel disappointment, fear for my future, rejection…I would stuff those emotions down rather than feel them. I didn’t realize just how much energy it took to squash those and move on. All of those emotions had festered and blew up during the third week of the quarantine. It was pretty ugly. This is what happens when we stuff them. Dr. Caroline Leaf says that if they don't come out they can fester and have a profound, unfavorable impact on our health.

Here’s the truth that I came to: People who allow themselves to feel their pain are tough. Those are the strong people. That is what’s true. God gave us emotions. They have something to tell us and because I stuffed, I missed a lot of messages about life that would have helped me.  Emotions are not good or bad. It’s the meaning and the self-talk that we attach to them that make them what they are.  They help us talk about feelings more clearly, avoid or resolve conflicts better, and move past difficult feelings more easily. Knowing how to process and talk about them enhances our relationships and our lives. 

Ever the optimist, I believed that things would change for the better after the election...or I wanted to believe that. Hahahahaha. How do we defuse negative emotions?  I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not talking about the grief experienced from loss. but this is how I handle negative emotions:

1. Eat chocolate. I'm sure there's a chemical in chocolate that makes you feel better.  Just kidding. The real #1 is to step back and identify it. Get curious. What is the emotion?  What is causing the emotion?  When I take  the time to name the emotion, it usually isn't anger at all, but fear, rejection, disappointment, frustration, self-judgement, etc. Take the time to ask yourself enough questions to name it.  Naming it removes some of its power. 

2. Tequila shots and Moosehead beer. NOT! That's the old me. The real second step is to FEEL the emotion. The goal is to feel it; not make it go away.  I know that sounds crazy, but  Dr. Leaf says, "Feeling is healing."  Be your own best friend. If you were down, your best friend wouldn't tell you to "just get over it" or "just rip the band aid off." They would validate your feeling and empathize with you. Give yourself that same compassion for the situation you are in. (Remember, what we resists, persists and even grows.)

3. Blame someone else. That's my fave. The real #3 is nobody or no thing makes me feel an emotion. The emotions are my own making. I even hate to write that. Think about it. My husband likes to finger tap, on the steering wheel, on the back of my chair, on the coffee table with his foot...he just taps. It is SO irritating to me. BUT, someone else might not even notice it. Flying causes extreme anxiety in many people. I don't understand that. What drives you crazy may have zero impact on me. 

4. Deny it. Yeah, that's like me telling you to not think about the pink elephant in the room. You're thinking about that now, aren't you? The real #4 is to accept it. Embrace the negative feeling and discover the message that it has for you. Ask yourself, "What does this mean?" and "What must I do with it?" Are you able to take action on whatever it is that is impacting you? I have found that most things that get under my skin are those things that I can't control. I just have to feel the pain, and let go.  

I feel better just writing this. Especially, because much of what is bothering me today is out of my control. What I can control is my response and how I live in my own world.

Naming those pesky emotions, 

Jan

Jan McDonald
John Maxwell Team