The Best Gift!

"Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand."

--Francis of Assisi

Are Dennis and I the only couple that speaks, okay, yells at each other from different parts of our home? Do we take the time and the interest to actually want to know the answer to this question when we see  someone in the grocery store, "How are you doing?"  When was the last time you were misunderstood?  Or when has someone told you something and you didn't hear?  When was the last time you asked a question and when the other person answered, they were looking at their cell phone the whole time? 

I don't remember where I read this, but in one of John Maxwell's books, he says that the best gift we can give, the best way we can add value to another, is to listen to them.  When was the last time someone actually listened to hear what you were saying...they weren't thinking about how they were going to reply?  Did they seem really interested in what you were saying?  Ouch.  I have to confess that when I am in the middle of a task, my listening skills can fly right out the window. Oh yeah, how about those times in a conversation where I just know that I'm right and then have to prove it.  Or I perceive that someone is taking way too long to finish their thought and I interrupt and finish it for them. OOOOOKAAAAYYY.  

Let's look at some ways that we can add value to others by giving them the gift of listening.  

1. First, put down our cell phones, close our computers, turn off the television and shut the iPad. Give the other person the gift of our full attention. When I am in the middle of something, I have learned that I need to ask the person if they can wait a moment until I finish what I'm doing. If I don't, I will still be thinking about my task and won't be focused on what they are saying.

2. Maintain eye contact--that prevents us drifting out of the conversation.  

3. Refrain from judging. Judging prevents clarity in hearing their thoughts and we expend our energy forming an opinion rather than really hearing. Slipping into judger mode or becoming defensive causes the fight or flight response in our body.  You know what that does...all the blood drains out of our brains into our extremities so we can flee the situation or put up our dukes.  How good is our listening or even our thinking when that happens?

4. After the other person has spoken, repeat back to them in the form of a rephrase. These recapping statements are tentatively spoken. We can start with, "I heard you say," or "Did I hear this right?" Then rephrase or recap what you heard.  This gives them the opportunity to elaborate in the case that we heard incorrectly, or they weren't clear in their sharing. 

5. Be curious. Listen for the words behind the words. Seek to understand the full meaning of what they're saying, and by all means, don't interrupt or finish their sentences. 

When someone listens to me with their full attention, I feel appreciated, cared for and valued. I think I may have written this for me, but I hope you're getting  some value, as well.  Big smiley face here.  You always know where I'm struggling from these emails...or what I'm teaching on the next week:)  Challenge yourself this week to listen like this...give the gift of your full attention. 

I bet you have other suggestions to add to my list.  Please email me if you do!  

I'm listening, 

Jan

Jan McDonald
The John Maxwell Team